How to Avoid a Quarantine Breakup or Divorce
A global pandemic and its ensuing economic, social, and mental and physical pressures can place huge stress on a long term relationship, especially when you aren’t used to being in the same home with your significant other 24/7. Here’s how to avoid a mid or post quarantine breakup.
1. Learn to stop your reactive brain.
When our lives, our livelihoods, and our planet are under siege, our brains and bodies go into Flight or Fight mode. And if things aren’t going well in our personal lives as well, that only adds to the problem. In order to really address any relationship issues, you must first learn to calm your reactions, especially when you feel attacked. Take deep breaths and calm yourself before you respond to any perceived or real attack or negative thought.
2. Tell yourself that your partner’s feelings are valid, and accept them as true, first in your own mind.
Remember that no one is 100% right or 100% wrong, and remember that their feelings are true for them, even if the facts may be wrong.
3. Give yourself and your partner some space.
This is obviously difficult when sheltering in place, but do your best to allow yourselves solo time to reflect every day, and time to spend alone. This may mean sleeping in separate rooms for a few nights so you can think clearly, or taking long solo walks—either way, you need to be able to truly focus on what you want and feel, without worrying about others right now.
4. Don’t blame your partner first—work on yourself.
It’s easy to believe that your relationship problems are your partner’s fault, and to make a list of what you need them to change. But you can only really change yourself. Look at your own feelings and what you can do to change them on your own. Ask yourself what you know to be true, and what you can do to show your partner how you want them to treat you/behave. Show your partner HOW to change.
5. When you are ready to talk, do not threaten the relationship, or use language that feels threatening.
In clear, kind, self-referential and inarguable language, state how you FEEL, what you THINK, and what you WANT.
For example, rather than saying something such as “I feel like you don’t love me anymore,” or “I feel like we want different things now,” try saying it in an inarguable way: “My stomach feels like it is in knots. I’m telling myself you don’t love me anymore. I want to get over those thoughts and get back to solid ground in our relationship.” That approach will open up actual conversation, rather than blame or defensiveness.
Tell them you care how they feel as well, and ask them to share as well.
6. Remember that most divorces and breakups happen because couples are unwilling or unable to solve a problem in a way that works for both parties.
Even if one partner is ready to do the work, the other may not be. All you can do is your own work, give that effort 100% focus, and wait and see if your partner can reciprocate. At the end of the day, couples stay together because they WANT to and break up because they don’t want to do the work it would take to stay together.
7. Forgive yourself and your partner if you break up.
Remember that all any of us can do is the best we are able to do at any given time, and sometimes, that’s not enough. If you put in the effort, you can at least feel good about that!
PRO TIPS
Focus on what you LIKE about your partner, not what you dislike.
Try to find moments that will help you remember good times—look through photo albums, watch favorite old movies, do things you used to enjoy—or at least remember such moments.
Act how you want your partner to act—show love and affection and they most likely will too.