How to Deal with a Screaming Baby on an Airplane
Original image from Octav Cado on Unsplash.
Make highly visible efforts to quiet your child.
Passengers and flight attendants will not be as upset with you if they think that you are doing everything you can. Talk to your child, sing to him, and bounce him; offer him a bottle, pacifier, or food; rock him; walk him up and down the aisles; distract him with the air safety card, airsickness bags, or in-flight phone. Do everything you can think of to calm your baby, and do it loudly and noticeably.
Create confusion and distraction.
If your child has not quieted down, act crazy. Cross your eyes; make the “beebeebeebeebeebeebeebee” sound by moving your finger up and down between your lips; sing, preferably an aria, at full volume—do anything you can to distract your child from his tantrum. Then soothe him using more traditional methods.
Do not panic if your child will still not calm down.
Remember that this is only a moment in time, and that no matter how many nasty looks you are getting from fellow passengers, you are doing the best you can. Tell yourself you will never see these people again.
Use drugs and alcohol.
Certain over-the-counter drugs can be administered in an emergency situation. Cold or allergy medicine for children, in particular, works well and usually causes drowsiness and a calming feeling. However, the medication may take half an hour or longer to take effect, and it frequently produces the opposite effect on children, speeding them up. The alcohol is for your consumption, in appropriate doses.
Use the lavatory.
If your child still will not calm down, retreat to the lavatory with him until he exhausts himself. Hold the baby in front of the mirror and say, “There’s another baby in the room!” or pretend that you are “walking downstairs” by moving back and forth in the lavatory, stooping lower with each step. Ignore other passengers who need to use the lavatory—that’s why there are at least two on every flight.
Bribe fellow passengers for forgiveness.
Offer free drinks, extra bags of snacks, earplugs, and reimbursement for dry-cleaning expenses.
Remind yourself that you will never see these people again.
Repeat.
Be Aware
First-class and business-class passengers usually have less tolerance for screaming babies.
Do not pretend you do not know the child. Laws regarding child abandonment and neglect are more troublesome than annoyed passengers.